I am very tired of these feelings that I have no control of. Past few weeks have been terrible for me. The stress I have is so overwhelming I couldn't even handle anymore. I thought I can overcome this because I have God, I have a bunch of friends who stood by me, I have my family with me. But truth is, I can't. These feelings are taking a toll on me. It's affecting me. Looking at the calendar, it's the 12th week into Year 2, and what have I done? Except being distracted by almost every single happenings and noises around me, what else have I done? Going for classes isn't of much enjoyment to me anymore. I used to love going to classes because at least I understand what the lecturers are teaching. Now? I am in such a mess. I couldn't catch up on every module, and ironically people think that I am doing fine just because I was like that in the past. They have no idea how much I gave up last year to achieve that. They have NO IDEA. Every time I hear people telling me that I sure can do it and that I will sure do well because I always do, I cannot help but feel upset inside, the struggles I have inside, who will ever understand? The someone who actually spurred me on during times when I want to give up is not with me anymore, the sister who is there for me during the revision times who I can share my difficulties to has her working life now. I have much more commitments now I can't even get used to. I can't even get used to the changes in my timetable this year. All these things have changed. Yet I am still living in self-denial that I can manage. I am certainly not good at pretending to be strong, pretending that everything's fine. It's damn ridiculous how much I'm affected by little actions and expressions people gave me. Again and again I told myself I shouldn't fall for the trap and again and again I fall at the same spot. I really had enough of this insecurity feeling. Told myself that I'll stop temptations from getting on me, told myself I'll never go back to my old self again, in some ways I felt that I have gradually changed for the better, I begin to know what is the right thing to do, I begin to protect my rights and watch my words, it's funny that I can even give advises to others during those times, and people told me they do see the change in me, and yes, I felt happy. Genuinely happy. But it didn't last long.
I fell again. This time worse. I wanted very much to give up going to church. I wanted very much to run away. Honestly I still do. I would rather run away and disappear than face someone who I very much do not want to face and pretending I'm fine. People tell me it's not my fault that things become like this, but I felt that it partially or entirely was due to my selfish desires and wants. I was craving the attention that at least I was special. I was having the hope that I will eventually get the love I used to have from last year. Little did I know that I was just one out of the many out there that no one will ever took notice of. And now I ask myself why am I so unlovable. I really hate myself.
我从来都没有招惹你
你为什么要来招惹我？
既然招惹了
为什么又半途而废？
不要假装对我好
我很傻...会当真...
